Henry Kuttner & C L Moore's "See You Later" (as by Lewis Padgett) (novelette, humor): It doesn't pay to enlist Hogbens in a bad deed!

Indian readers will find the plot very familiar - there are innumerable local stories, including many ancient Sanskrit ones, on the general idea: A demon, or occasionally an evil man, goes through a lot of pain to please some specific god. It's time for boon. He seeks a boon that will make him some kind of a despot. But god is smart. The boon is granted literally, leaving a loophole that will backfire on would-be despot at the critical hour.

This is nowhere near as interesting as the almost magical first Hogbens story - "Exit the Professor." But it still made an interesting read.

This is the first story in Hogbens series where Atlantis is explicitly mentioned; "grandpaw" was born there! At least I don't recall its mention in other two stories I've read from this series of 5 or 6. We also learn that the little baby is just "four hunnerd years old & big for his age - 'bout three hunnerd pounds"!

Story summary.

Hogbens is a family of very long lived supermen mutants - now living an anonymous existence in some remote place in the US. More details on family in my earlier "Exit the Professor" post. In this story, they play the role of gods in Indian lore.

They've very nasty neighbors - Yancey Tarbell & his 8 boys. During a mischief-causing mission at Hogbens' home (they thought they had stealthily entered to wreck havoc), the boys are accidentally killed - but not through any action of Hagbens. Hogbens are feeling remorse. That's how Yancey, the kid's dad & sole surviving member of family, will get his boon granted.

What does Yancey want? It gets crazy & hilarious. 30 years ago & in a drunken state, he was stepped on at one of the New York suburban train stations. He could not trace the culprit in the crowds to get even. He now wants to get even!

How? He still doesn't know who the culprit was. Well, if the culprit is still alive, he must be one of the humans somewhere on earth!! If dead, he very likely would have married, & had kids. Yancey wants Hogbens to replicate him - one for each human anywhere on earth - men, women, & kids. They will place him "approximately two feet away from each human being." He plans to carry "a big, rusty monkey wrench". Each of his copies will hit corresponding victim with it "on top of the haid"! His copies will then be brought back into his unique current self.

Hogbens grant the wish, with 3 constraints: each avatar will exist for 5 seconds (so he doesn't get beaten back in return), each avatar will be physically "the same size" & "exactly as strong" as the corresponding victim (so he doesn't have to face the more powerful & it's only fair!), & Hogbens are not among the people he's going to hit.

A gadget to enable this is quickly put together - using "a washbasin & some old scrap iron" in "'bout ten minutes"! But before sending Yancey, the narrator Saunk Hogben wants to test the machine. Narrator also takes with him a "stick of firewood" which his avatars will hand out to every befuddled person in the world & "spit right smack in their eye". Saunk returns safely. Now Yancey goes. Each of his intended victim is not only angry, but has just been equipped with a club. "He never even had a chance to swing that monkey wrench. The whole world had got in the fust lick."

Title comes from a little mistake in the replicating gadget. It actually sent the copies a week into future. So their village, included in the adventure, is still quiet. Wait till next week for some local retaliation. "See you later."

Fact sheet.

First published: Thrilling Wonder Stories, June 1949.
Related: All stories of Henry Kuttner, C L Moore (as by Lewis Padgett); Hogben series.
Rating: A

Henry Kuttner & C L Moore's "Cold War" (novelette, humor): Reason common cold virus is so tough to eradicate!

This is a Hogbens story - a sequel to "Exit the Professor". This one takes a while to pick up - through first half, I got the impression of too much effort being put into humor. But later half is great.

Story summary.

Only three members of Hogben family of mutant low-profile long-lived & very competent supermen plays a role in this story: Saunk (narrator), "grandpaw", & Uncle "Lem" Lemuel.

Plus we have 3 new key characters: a man named Alderman "Ed" Pugh, his 7 year old son Junior Pugh, & his now dead wife Lily Lou Mutz.

A time machine also plays a key role in the story. It's origins are weird (of course). You see, maw has given a job to Saunk - to sour a milk jug (I guess that's the US equivalent of Indian curd). He doesn't want to do it the usual way because "Cruelty to dumb animals is something I can't abide. Them there little critters work hard enough souring milk the way it is... Paw says they're enzymes. But they can't be. They're too teeny."

Not wanting to be cruel to little critters makes Saunk quickly put together a time machine!! "This here gadget ... will send Maw's cream-jug ahead into next week some time. This weather, don't take cream more'n a couple of days but I'm giving it plenty of time. When I bring it back - bingo, it's sour." It looks like a simple "sled" with telepathic controls; you put stuff on it, & telepathically send it through time!

OK - on with the story.

Lily was a very ugly woman living alone, & often a butt of jokes. Some 10 years ago, a kindhearted Uncle Lem granted her a bewitchment - the ability to "hex" someone (a kind of curse) - causing the victim extreme pain - so she can cope with social rejection. Pugh is also ugly, & so is Junior.

While Lily is now dead, she passed on her genetic mutation to Junior that gives him the ability to hex others. Pugh & Junior now sell a headache remedy, hawking off a mobile van something called "PUGH HEADACHE CURE". Pugh collects a crowd, Junior hexes them causing headache, making the crowd buy the remedy!

Pugh is worried "Junior's the last of his race". That Junior will never be able to find a wife - because of his ugliness & this mutation he has inherited - making his line's end at Junior a real possibility. Wants Uncle Lem to fix it. Uncle Lem doesn't think it advisable - because the required changes will almost certainly kill Junior. Pugh thinks Uncle Lem is bluffing - so he resorts to blackmail. First making junior hex a crowd, then some innocent individual passersby; then hex Uncle Lem & try bargaining with Saunk.

It's this bargaining with Saunk that leads to story's very entertaining conclusion. While Saunk could have easily killed both Pugh & Junior to revive his unconscious Uncle Lem, there is a grandpaw's prohibition against killing on all members of Hogbens family.

So Saunk has a telepathic conference with grandpaw, & is advised to bring Pugh & Junior to Hogbens' den for cure. Pugh is apprehensive, but Hogbens are known to never go back on their word. And what other choice does he have?

In Hogben's den, the Pugh & Junior will be made to stand on the time machine after a minor genetic modification, & sent far far back in time. Grandpaw has met his promise - that line of Pugh will continue a long time. You see, by the time Pugh & Junior return to our time after going through their evolution, they are not human but common cold viruses! Breeding profusely, jinxing everyone they meet, impossible to get rid off, ...

See also.

1. Arthur Clarke's "Cold War": Another humorous story that has nothing to do with US/Soviet stand-off. Apart from title, the two stories have nothing in common.

Collected in.

1. "The Best of Henry Kuttner"

Fact sheet.

"Cold War", short story, review
First published: Thrilling Wonder Stories, October 1949.
Rating: A
All stories by Henry Kuttner, C L Moore; Hogben series.

Henry Kuttner & C L Moore's "Exit the Professor" (short story, fantasy): Threatening your betters can have dangerous consequences

Combine the best of Mike Resnick's Lucifer Jones with Kuttner's own "The Twonky", & add bits of Arabian Nights, Theodore Sturgeon's "More Than Human", & the magical remedies of the druid Getafix from Asterix, & you get this tale of magic. Lovely humor.

Story summary.

An nuclear accident in England exposed a lot of people to radiation - killing nearly all, but turning the Hogbens family into freaks with powers of gods themselves. The family has since been consciously avoiding mainstream society, & hiding their powers. Now based in Kaintuck, US, they comprise of "grandpaw", "maw", "paw", uncle Les, Little Sam, & Saunk (the narrator & a youngster).

We are not shown all their powers, but some of them are: ability to turn invisible; ability to fly; effortlessly & intuitively build gadgets that will befuddle the best engineers, but without the slightest idea of the underlying principles; ability to change the size of physical objects; ...

And yes - Little Sam has two heads, throws out subsonics when he cries, & is telepathic & sometimes used as a sort of telephone exchange when family members want to talk to each other over long distances!

Of course, people get curious. Sometimes, too curious for their own good. Like with "the Haley boys" a while back who claimed Little Sam was a freak & had three "haids" rather than only two! Well, the narrator & his maw rigged up a shotgun gadget & killed them! There was warning from Sheriff Abernathy but nothing could be proved. Grandpaw has now forbidden killing, "for a while, at least".

Now, this "Perfesser Thomas Galbraith", a biogeneticist, from some New York foundation has come visiting & is showing too much curiosity. We get some fun during his visit to Hogbens' home. During the later part of his trip, he has been getting interested in the shotgun gadget lying around. You see - it makes holes in things. It doesn't need to be loaded: "Trouble with a shotgun is you gotta keep loading it. We sorta thought if we hooked on a few things it wouldn't need loading no more." Saunk & maw had quickly rigged up a ray gun! Anyway, Saunk lets Professor take the gun back to his hotel for testing.

Saunk had promised the Prof he will go with him to New York, but grandpaw has forbidden this. So he goes to tell Prof at his hotel. But Prof keeps threatening to bring down a commission to study them! Saunk quickly tinkers the shotgun lying around room, & coaxes the Prof to try it out. Prof will take the shot from his hotel room window at some roof based target - with Sheriff watching from somewhere on the ground & Saunk turned invisible.

The effect of gunshot is - half the city begins having a severe toothache, including the Sheriff!! You see, Saunk had rigged the gadget so it will turn gold throughout the city radioactive! Not only do a lot of people have gold fillings, church's decorative glass has some gold impurity & the priest is puzzled why it had become so hot to touch.

Anyway, Prof is arrested & there is a mob out to lynch him. Sheriff wants the Prof to fix things before mob gets him. Saunk visits the Prof in lockup, & promises to fix the shotgun.

A discussion among Hogbens telepathically later will conclude that Prof will still get the commission after them; so they really need to take care of him.

OK - Sheriff has Prof taken to his hotel room. Wants Prof to first try the fixed gadget on him. And gets his toothache fixed. Now rest of the affected in the city are collected in the Town Hall for the treatment - only the Hogbens will tinker with the gadget again after turning themselves invisible.

Gunshot fired by Prof. Toothache of all assembled in the Town Hall gone. Also gone is everything that does not "grow" - like their gold fillings & their cloths!

Mob is again after the Prof. The kind Hogbens rescue him from the mob, & end up taking care of his threat of a commission too. See - they make him tiny & put him in a bottle!! "Sometimes we take out the bottle we keep him in and study him"!

Related.

1. All stories by Henry Kuttner, C L Moore (as by Lewis Padgett).
2. Hogben series.
   

Collected in.

1. "The Best of Henry Kuttner"

Fact sheet.

"Exit the Professor", short story, review
This story has also been published as by Lewis Padgett, joint pseudonym of the two authors.
First published: Thrilling Wonder Stories, October 1947.
Rating: A